Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
