I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
