Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
