I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
