I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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