Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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