while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
