cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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