my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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