first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
