I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
