you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
