Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
