D3 body, D1 cock
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
