I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize