while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize