Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
