Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
