Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
