I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
