yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
