oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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