If i come over, it means nothing
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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