Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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