"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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