I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
