I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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