You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
