I accidentally burped into my bong.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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