i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
