I haven't been this sober since birth.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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