Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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