I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
