Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
