i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
