I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
