he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
