someone get that fucking seahorse.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i dont even know how to be here
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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