he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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