Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
