this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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