So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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