I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
