I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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