So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
