News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
my liver is dry heaving
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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