You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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