Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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