so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
