garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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