she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im holly from the hills drunk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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