Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
