it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
