Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dick very happy bro
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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