I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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