Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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