and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
