Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
