So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
