I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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